I have doing a great deal of reflecting in the past 5 days. I have done some of this on my own and even more with help from my friends (special props to my Newsvine friends). I am early in the process of trying to re-discover myself and admit that this is going to be a long process.

One thing that I have decided is that I am really going to try to live in the moment, not just say it, really LIVE it. I have spent too much time resisting that which is painful or confusing. I have spent too much time wanting the present to be like the past. I have spent too much time trying to predict and control the future. I have spent too much time trying to organize the present into neat, little boxes. All of this has prevented me from truly enjoying the moment I have in front of me.

I have not made any clear decisions about my 'friend'. I am trying to look at the relationship and situation without judging or grasping. I do know that he is an important person to me and that it feels right to have him in my life. I can't say that I totally understand the status of our relationship, but I am making a decision to see how it plays out. That said, I feel that if I am going to do so, I need to put some things out there that are important to me. These are things that I need him to answer or to do if we are the friends that we say we are. So far, so good. I am also attempting to back off a little bit and see if that changes his behavior towards me. Again, so far, so good.

Maybe making myself less accessible in turn makes me more appealing. Maybe being more vocal and up front about my needs and wants makes me seem more confident. Part of me says that if I really get myself together, maybe he will be romantically interested again. At this point, for better or worse, that is what I want. However, if I get myself together and we remain just 'friends', then I am in a better position to allow the universe to throw life at me as it sees fit. Either way, I need to get healthy and happy for me. If I focus on that, instead of the results, it will be win-win.